Most people in this world have decent self esteem, I would like to think. In general, we think that we are decent people. "If I were a girl," I tell myself, "I would want to date me." My friends and I have commented to each other several times wondering why the "good girls" seem to wind up with assholes. I've come up with all sorts of theories... Girls like guys who are secure and confident, and a lot of total assholes have those two qualities. Or, I thought, maybe some girls are inherently masochistic, and seem to on some level find these men totally irresistable. Perhaps the asshole appeal has to do with immaturity... Girls like guys who are assholes just because they haven't matured enough to come to the conclusion that they're assholes. Or, maybe it's vicarious popularity. The guys who seem to be assholes are typically surrounded by a group of other guys as intolerably full of themselves as the first guys, which makes asshole #1 a popular guy, and everyone wants to be popular, right?
However, I have recently come to the conclusion that all of the theories I thought to be well-conceived are, for lack of a better phrase, full of shit. I'm not popular. I'm not secure or confident. I like to think of myself as being mature, though I suppose I would have to defer to any dissenting opinions on the issue. I have none of the qualities I attributed to the assholes of the world, and yet I've managed to become one. There was a girl I had some pretty strong feelings for once upon a time, but she just thought of herself as my friend. We don't talk much anymore. Why? Because I made a total ass of myself, for which I have never apologized, though I hope she realizes I'm sorry. That's not the issue that makes me say I'm an asshole, though. Maybe that whole experience, and the way I acted throughout the course of our friendship, makes me an asshole, but that's not what I want to focus on right now.
I have a brother who's a year and ten months older than I am. However, because of when he was born, he was held back a year, so he's only a grade ahead of me in school. When he graduated high school and went off to college, I was just starting my senior year in high school. One day, he brought home a girl that he had met recently and had a crush on. They seemed like they were hitting it off, but after a few months of spending time together and not doing much more than flirting, she told him that she thought they should just be friends. I didn't see her much after that, until almost May of my senior year. She and my brother and two of our friends and I all went to spend the night on the beach. Well, to make a long story short, it turns out that she had a thing for me, but I didn't find out until after we'd already spent some time kissing in the ocean that my brother still wasn't over her. I discovered that information in the form of a fist in the stomach. I love my brother dearly, and I never want anything to come between us, so I didn't make any effor to follow up on what could have been. However, rather than doing the honorable thing and calling her or trying to talk to her to explain it, I just didn't call her. I didn't talk to her for almost a year and a half.
Skip to October, a year and a half later. My brother and the girl have been hanging out together again, but he's totally over her, and so they can just be friends. Apparently, she's still interested in me. So, we start to hit it off. We talk online, we exchange emails. We cuddle when she spends the night at our house. I'm enthused, and I'm starting to get some pretty serious feelings for her. Halloween rolls around, and we have a party at our house (parties seem to happen at our house for no apparent reason, and our holiday parties can get pretty big). Being the flirt that she is, she flirts with all the guys, but I don't think much of it. I'm a bit of a flirt myself, so it's okay. But, it becomes obvious to me after a while that she's flirting with one guy in particular, and it's not me. She winds up leaving the party with him without saying a word to me. I didn't hear from her for almost a year and a half, again.
A few months ago, I randomly messaged her when she was online. I figured I was over her, so maybe we could be friends at least. One thing leads to another, and suddenly she's coming down to visit me, and when I see her she kisses me. I was thrilled. This was what I wanted, right? Well, that's what I thought. I wound up discovering that I really was over her, and no matter how much I tried I couldn't muster up the feelings I once had for her. I wound up leading her on for several weeks, believing that if I just tried, the feelings would come back and we could be happy.
Everything might have been okay, except that I couldn't get myself to act like I had those feelings for her. So, I wound up alienating her and making her feel -- I'm sure -- like shit. The part I regret about it the most, though, is that one of my suitemates from the dorms really liked her, and they got along great, and the way I was treating her really embittered him. Because they spent a fair bit of time together, I actually seriously considered suggesting that they date. I should have realized when the thought of him dating my "girlfriend" didn't upset me that I should break up with her and let her go her own way. Everything might have turned out better.
If I had it all to do over again, I would do it differently, believe me. But, since I can't, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to Meredith, Michelle, and Jared. You guys mean too much to me for me to treat you all like that. I'm sorry. I wish you all the best, and I hope you feel the same toward me.
