I'm usually good with words. I'm not a poet, my words aren't art, but I can usually get them to do what I want. To me, words are tools, and the ability to use them to communicate is just like learning to use any other tool. I can effectively describe general ideas, subtle nuances, or technical details. But as with any other tool, the ability to use words for a particular purpose is usually developed through experience... And I am at this moment out of my realm of experience.

My cat, whose name was Gatita, but whom we mostly just called "Cat," died today. She had been incontinent for a week or so, and her eating had gradually been declining, until yesterday she stopped eating entirely. So my mom took her to the vet, who diagnosed her as having bladder cancer (hence the incontinence). While surgery was potentially an option, the odds of successfully removing the tumor without killing her in the process were slim, and the odds of her being incontinent and an invalid for whatever remained of her life were very high.
She has been a well-loved member of the family for over 16 years (the exact number is a matter of some confusion and dispute -- I thought nineteen, but was informed I was mistaken), and we opted to spare her the indignity of invasive surgical procedures... While surgery might have extended her life, I couldn't bear the thought of making what would in all likelihood be her last hours on earth ones of pain and terror. So, the doctor gave her a shot, and she curled up in her carrier and fell asleep, never to wake up.

I can only recall losing three loved ones, including my cat... Loss and sorrow are not emotions that I have a lot of experience with. So now, when attempting to describe how I feel, I am at a loss. I could use a word like "empty," but it sounds far too clean and clinical. "Raw" might come closer to the mark, but it sounds like rugburn. Something far more visceral and powerful than any word I can provide is needed, something that describes how the tears I've shed felt like they were scalding me as they slid down my cheeks, and how a part of my life that I literally can't remember ever having not been there has been removed.

And now there are little incongruities in my house and in my life... There is cat hair on the furniture, in a house that has no cat... There is a litter box with no-one to use it... There's the cat bed under the end-table in the living room, with no animal left in the house that's small enough to use it. There's the fact that I sleep with my door closed, which is a habit only left over from when the cat used to come in and pee in my laundry hamper... There's the fact that every time I sit on the couch I cross one leg over the other and little tighter than I would elsewhere, because the cat would fall through the hollow between my legs otherwise if she decided to come sit on my lap...

It was a simple matter to tell my mom to have her put down (she called me to let me make the decision)... "That seems like it's for the best." And a life was ended. The grave is dug, the blankets in the laundry room on which she was wont to sleep are already washed, the litter box already cleaned out. Tomorrow, while the sun is shining (because she loved sleeping in the sunlight), we'll put her in the ground, and nothing of her will remain but memories and a raw, empty, gaping hole in my heart that I haven't the words to describe, nor the heart to try.

I think I've caught strep throat. Bah. At least it's easy to get rid of. Clinic, here I come!

At times like this, I find myself asking, what would Academy Award winner Michael Caine do?

Goodnight, you princes of Maine, you Kings of New England!

And the follow-up

Back in the day, when I was still at UH, Jared got me started reading web comics. I've been out of practice for a while, but I decided to go and read a few. Real Life used to be one of my favorites, but I couldn't remember where I left off, so I started with the first one in 2004. While reading along, I came across this one. I thought it was funny the first time, but this time I just couldn't stop laughing. So, now you have to read it. Then go two years without looking at it, and then read it again. I need to know if I'm the only one.

I've always thought of home as a place where you're supposed to be comfortable. At the end of the day, when the world has been kicking you around and you want nothing more than to collapse and veg, home is ready to oblige, with a comfy armchair and a fridge full of beer. Or whiskey and coke, if that's your preference. It's not the sort of place where people verbally assault you and your opinions.

Specifically, last night my brother and I got into a hell of a fight. About what? Politics, of course. Civil rights and liberties, specifically. And it's not even so much that we disagree. It's just that he cares, and I don't. I don't know what it is that makes the difference... Maybe it's because I'm busier than he is, so at the end of the day (or the beginning, or the middle, for that matter), I just can't muster up the effort to be upset about people's bags being searched on New York subways.

Andy read a news article on his laptop while sitting on the couch at about 9:45 pm last night, and immediately yelled. I mean, I'm used to people making random outbursts while reading the internet. Jeff used to perch on the edge of his chair and surf Slashdot all day, where he would randomly either exclaim "Fuck me!" or start cackling maniacally. But I've never heard anyone literally yell at their laptop over a news story. So, in a manner that was probably just asking to pick a fight, I yelled back at him, asking what he was yelling about. I had a smile on my face, but I think he was too upset to notice. So it went downhill from there, with Andy telling me my political opinions were ill-founded, that people like me were the reason the country was going to Hell in a handbasket, and my favorite: "Why don't we just invite the British back in?!?!" I, of course, responded in kind, calling him a hypocrite, self-righteous, and an armchair politician. So it wound up with me being upset about being attacked in my own home, where I would like to just feel comfortable, and him ready to disown me for being a moderate.

So, I went to bed. But, blood-pressure still high, I couldn't sleep. So instead I decided to go read the article that had him so fired up. For anyone who isn't in the loop, the article in question can be found at http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/07/09/D8IOKGDO0.html. Basically, in the logical progression from airport bag searches, New York has started searching people in the subways. Andy's immediate reaction is, "There goes the Bill of Rights!" because this is obviously a violation of the constitutionally-protected right against unlawful search and seizure by the government. Conversely, he defended airport security measures (which also make him angry, but not this much) by insisting that they were originally instituted by private companies, and only later taken over by the government. Hence why I called him a hypocrite. But that's beside the point. The point is, after reading it, I still wasn't upset. I just couldn't get offended by it, I guess because it's so much like what I'm used to enduring at the airport; which, while excessive, is generally accepted.

So, I went back to the Drudge Report (www.drudgereport.com), from whence I had found Andy's post, and started reading the other stories on the site. I couldn't sleep, so I might as well become better-informed, right? Well, I came across another story (http://news.com.com/2100-1028_3-6091942.html?part=rss&tag=6091942&subj=news), and the funniest thing happened. It pissed me off. And I realized something. I'm selfish. The constitution has no expressed right to privacy, but it does specifically prohibit search and seizure without appropriately issued warrants. And yet I got angry over the government's efforts to invade my not-explicitly-stated-but-generally-accept right to privacy on the internet, but not other people getting searched going on the subway. Why? Because the one affects me, and the other doesn't. Now, I also got offended by the FBI's push to further digital wiretaps, and to foist the responsibility for making it happen off on network equipment manufacturers. That strikes me as being just wrong. But the invasion of privacy is what really got me.

So, I got thinking even more, and I realized that I'm not really selfish. I'm just not altruistic. I'm not a crusader for others. I'll work (and fight, if need be) for my own benefit, and for that of my friends and family... But I don't go out and feed and clothe the hungry and homeless. I don't do Habitat for Humanity. I don't volunteer at soup kitchens. I don't clean up highways, or fix up public property. I'll gladly buy dinner or gas for a friend who needs it, or stay up late in the night helping people study. And if my brother started a political movement or letter-writing campaign or decided to run for office, I'd help him. Even if, say, he decided to campaign against bag searches and illegal invasions of privacy in New York, I'd gladly chip in. But it would have nothing to do with helping New Yorkers, or even because upholding the Constitution against attacks by the government is the right thing to do. Rather, I'd be helping because it's my brother doing it. Sure, the fact that it's the right thing to do would help, but I wouldn't feel good about doing it, just like I don't feel bad about not doing it right now. But I'd feel good about helping my brother do something he believes in.

So, are my political opinions ill-founded? I don't think so. Am I selfish? I don't think so. I just don't feel that civic responsibility until I actually feel the government encroaching. And I haven't quite figured out how, exactly, but as much as he pisses me off, and as much as it makes me angry to admit it, Andy's probably right. I'm just not sure if I'm wrong.

Don't ever lose your passport in a foreign country. I don't recommend it. On the bright side, it's a lot easier and faster to get it replaced these days than it used to be. I'm in Bologna right now. I went to Rome on Saturday, and spend Saturday night and most of Sunday there. Somewhere during the course of the day, though, my passport just came up missing, along with the credit card I had stashed in it. Could have been a pickpocket, but it probably just fell out when I took my hand out of the pocket it was in. The ironic thing is that I was in the habit of sticking my hand in that pocket frequently, just to reassure myself it was still there.

The shitty thing about losing your passport isn't the fact that you can't get back home without it. That's not a big deal, 'cause usually when you lose it, it's somewhere in the middle of the trip, and you've got plenty of time before you need to get home. No, the bad part is that you basically lose your ability to live wherever you are once you lose it. Sure, you can move around all you want, they don't check passports at the borders in the EU, but you can't stay anywhere. Law requires every hotel to take your passport when you check in and report to INTERPOL that you're staying there. Some places give your passport back, some keep it for the duration of the stay (that's mostly just a security thing, for people who aren't going to need their passports during their stay, and don't want to risk losing it). Okay, not a big deal, so you can't stay at any hotels or hostels. You can still take the train. Grab a night train and bed down. Of course, taking a long enough train to let you sleep through the entire night is more expensive than just getting a hotel room, but hey, at least it lets you sleep without getting arrested. Unless, like me, you didn't change all your money to Euros before you got into the country because local banks offer better exchange rates than the airport money changers. Yeah, you guessed it... Money changers REQUIRE YOU TO GIVE THEM YOUR PASSPORT.

Thankfully, there are credit cards. Which is what will allow me to get to Florence (and, more importantly, the closest US Consulate) tomorrow, to get a new passport (which they do in only one day now! Wow!). Which will allow me to change the rest of my money. Which will allow me to get on with my vacation and get out of Meredith's hair. I've already been here a day longer than I expected, and will be another day. Thankfully she's putting up with me well.

On the bright side, Italy's a beautiful place, and being able to exchange text messages on my phone with family and friends has kept me sane while I'm trying not to panic because of the passport problems.

But I think two weeks might be a little bit long of a stay for my first vacation abroad and on my own. I get lonely, and I didn't plan this vacation worth a shit. Meredith has been my savior, even if she is the one who kicked me out and made me go to Rome by myself. (c: I really wish I'd planned this trip better, and I REALLY wish I'd brought someone along. Having my brother here right now would be really nice.

Wow, so I'm really bad at updating. (c:

I'm sitting in front of my computer at 11:00 pm on a Sunday night. I'm only still awake because I'm waiting for the clothes I put in the dryer at 10:00 to finish drying so I can hang them up so they won't wind up sitting, clean, in the clothes hamper for the next two weeks, unlike the last load of laundry I did two weeks ago, which is currently waiting on my bed to be added to this load and hung up. Or not. Anyway, life is busy right now. School, master's thesis, working full time... But I'm too lazy to talk about it all. Someone call me. I love getting phone calls. And I'm in a weird mood, so here's a list of thoughts going through my head, as they go through my head:

My toes are cold.

My right wrist kinda hurts, which is odd, because I injured the left one a couple weeks ago. It oughta be the one hurting.

Come to think of it, it was three weeks ago. And a few days.

I really want one of those peanut butter Hershey's kisses that's sitting on the coffee table right now. But I'm lazy, and the laptop on my lap is warm, so I'm not gonna move it.

Digital forensics sucks.

But sometimes, it's not so bad. And it's providing me with a set of excellent opportunities, so I'm gonna stick it out. But as soon as I graduate, I'm leaving for parts unknown. Right now, I can't decide between spending a winter as a ski bum in Colorado or as a dance host on a Caribbean cruise liner.

I had all sorts of things in my head to write, but now that I'm writing everything that pops into my head, they're all gone.

I wish I were somewhere else. Not sure where, just anywhere but Huntsville. I had tons of friends and was having a blast when I first moved up here (despite what you may remember me saying to the contrary), but now they've all graduated and moved on, and I don't spend time with anyone anymore... And I can't even go out and do crap on my own conveniently, because there's nothing to do in Huntsville. You can only go to Shenanigans so many times before it gets depressingly monotonous. Especially since we used to have groups of ten or fifteen people that would crash the place, and now it's a struggle to find more than just my brother and me. And with my brother graduating and getting a job and being gone more, I'm gonna be sunk. I spend way too damned much time in my office, in class, or doing homework, and don't have any real opportunities to meet people, except at the bars around town that I'm tired of going to from all the times I went with people I already knew and wasn't trying to meet anyone... But on the bright side, my friend Dee told me a bout a Latin club in The Woodlands, so maybe I could start going there... It's closer than driving to Houston. But you know, I don't mind driving to Houston, it's just the drive back that kills me, since the bars don't close until 2:00 am.

Wow, that was a long thought.

My clothes finished drying about five minutes ago.

Going to New Orleans this weekend. It's gonna be insane. We somehow managed to find a hotel four blocks from Bourbon Street. Granted, it's $200 a night for a two-person room, but since we're gonna squeeze eight people into it, it's not such a big deal. It'll be a good crowd. I'm looking forward to it.

Unlike work and class tomorrow.

But there's a very nice, VERY pretty Chinese girl who I work with that makes going to work just a little bit more attractive a prospect. Except I don't really work with her, 'cause I'm the webmaster and have my own office (suck it, bitches!), whereas she's a graduate worker in the Publications office, so I have to make excuses to go visit her. But, when I invited her to go dancing with me, she seemed pretty keen on the idea, so that's a good sign.

Got a new job in the Center for Excellence in Digital Forensics. I'm gonna be the sysadmin, starting in May. Thankfully most of the hard work for setting up the network will be done by then by the current sysadmin, David Collins. So, my work will be more software and configuration-oriented, rather than designing the network setup from the ground up, which'll be nice. And, it's a 20% raise over what I'm making right now. And, I'll get to work on my thesis on the clock (when there's nothing else to do, of course). And it's a salaried position, so when work is light I can take long lunches, and I don't have to answer to a time clock. Of course, on the downside, it also means that when work is really piling on, I have to put in extra hours without getting paid for the overtime, but it's worth it. $36k isn't a boatload by any means, but it's not bad for a 23-year-old still in school.

And of course, there's the very nice, VERY pretty girl who works in the digital forensics front office who'll make that job a more attractive prospect, as well. (c:

Geez, I need to find a date. I'm gonna go hit bars and try to pick up women with Bryan. Ideally, I'd be the better looking of the duo, but since he's 6'4" and really ripped, I don't think that's gonna happen. But hey, at least him being a good looking guy ups our chances a bit. And you know, I've never gone out anywhere with the intention of trying to pick up girls. Maybe I'll discover I'm actually good at it. Prolly not, since loud social settings aren't my cup of tea, but maybe. Who knows. If nothing else, I'll get to dance with lots of (hopefully) pretty girls, and that'll be worth the effort.

And since my clothes have now been dry for fiteen minutes, and it's 11:30, I'm gonna go to bed. Kudoes to anyone who read all that. Call me, I'll buy you a beer.

I remember way back in the day playing a game by the name of "The Elder Scrolls: Arena." And I remember when "The Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall" came out, and I wanted to play it, but I couldn't afford it, and now it's just too outdated. And I remember when "The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind" came out in 2002, and I wanted to get it, but I knew my computer wouldn't run it. Back in those days I was running a PII-266 with an Intel AGP graphics card that had some NVidia chipset with 8mb of video ram. It wasn't compliant with any graphics acceleration specs, AFAIK. Even when I upgraded to a PIII-600 later that same year, and got a 32mb GeForce 2 card, I couldn't afford the game. Come to think of it, that's the same computer (with minor modificiations) that's sitting unused in a corner of the family office right now. I haven't used it any since I got my new laptop, but I have plans to turn it into a file server. Unfortunately, it'll have to run Windows, as our router here at the house doesn't like Linux much. Or maybe I could put in a virtual network inside our home network (which is itself a virtual network), and the NAT done by the internal router might make it work with our older Netopia router... Hmmm... But I digress.

Last Tuesday (that'd be December 20th, for those who like to keep up with that sort of thing), I ran across Morrowind on the $10 rack at Walmart. And I just had to get it, even though I knew it probably wouldn't quite live up to the graphics I'm accustomed to, since I've been playing F.E.A.R. lately (which is a totally badass game, though my computer doesn't come close to running the full-quality graphics). I didn't install it until Saturday, but when I did... Damn. The guys at Bethesda Softworks have totally rewritten the book on RPGs. Immersive, very interactive environment, fantastic skills system (including the ability to mix and match close to a hundred different materials you can collect during the course of the game to make potions out of them), the ability to create your own spells, and an incredibly detailed history and storyline to pull from. I may have to bite the bullet and pay full price for "The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion," which was released earlier this year. Except that I'm sure my computer won't run it very well... I may have to buy a gaming desktop just to run that game.

My only two complaints about the game are that it's a little unstable (I guess I could install the latest patch and it would probably help that. Meh.), and the skills system could be better. It forces you to pay way too much attention to what weapons you use and when in order to maximize the attribute bonuses you get when you level up, which is a pain in the ass. For instance, if I go around throwing fireballs at every creature in the game, I'll level up by increasing my Destruction skill, by I won't get any sort of bonus for my intelligence, which is what governs the maximum amount of mana you can have. On the other hand, if you go around picking locks, you'll level up your security score, and get a bonus for your intelligence, thereby increasing your maximum MP, even if you never cast a single spell.

On the other hand, the skill system in place is a big step in the right direction. There's been more of a trend toward ignoring levels in the classic RPG sense and concentrating strictly on individual abilities, thankfully. The idea of being a "level 20 wizard" just seems kinda outdated. I don't want to be pigeonholed into a particular category, even if it is in a game like Morrowind where there are about thirty such categories. I shouldn't be able to assign points to ability attributes that govern skills I haven't used (e.g., increasing my intelligence, even though I leveled up by hitting monsters in the head with an axe over and over again). I would prefer a system wherein the amount of mana I can have is determined by the highest skill level I've attained in any of the magical disciplines available (or maybe the RMS level of all of them, etc.). The API Bethesda released for writing mods to Morrowind supports enforcing that sort of behavior, so maybe we can expect to see more of it later. I'm especially interested in seeing what Obvlivion has in store.

In summary, this has definitely been the best $10 I've ever spent on a game. I've been glued to my computer 12 or more hours a day since Saturday (except for Christmas day), and I'm not done with the game yet. Granted, I could have been, but it's more fun this way. I recommend it to anyone who's into the RPG scene. Go. Buy. Enjoy.

Another one bites the dust... Kelena Jackson, the girl I took to the prom my junior year in high school, is engaged to be married in March. I've barely spoken to her in the last five and a half years, and yet this comes as a blow. Kelena was an icon of my youth... The most beautiful hair in the world, a brilliant smile, a beautiful voice, and startling blue eyes. I never really gave up on her, despite nevermaking the effort that I should have. And now she's getting married. I only know this because I decided to email her, in the hopes that she was still around Huntsville and might want to spend some time together. The email I received from her said, "I never knew a person could be so happy and so tired at the same time." Doesn't sound like I have a chance, does it? Not that it ever would have worked out between us anyway... Unless things have changed dramatically, we're too different -- her too conservative and me not enough. I suppose it's just another symbol of my youth departing... Young love... So long, farewell, auf wedersein.

To end off, here's a link to a post from a while back. It's a poem I wrote for and about Kelena my senior year in high school, and she held on to it at least until 2003, when I emailed her a couple times and she send a copy to me at my request. I don't know if that means something good, or simply that girls like it when guys write poetry for them. Either way, here's to young love, beautiful girls, and hopeless romanticism. I'm gonna get wasted and watch a sappy chick flick.

Which is probably why it never worked out between us. (c:

Ciao.

I've reached breaking point. I can't stand it any more! Why can't people learn to write their native language correctly? It's not that hard! I'm sure teachers have been complaining about this forever, but it has only been with the advent of the world-wide web and the essentially unrestricted ability of the populace to get published therein that the common person (meaning people without experience in journalism or literature) has been able to write and put it somewhere where a great number of other people can read it, without having to filter their work through any sort of review, editing, or publishing process. And I believe it's steadily leading to the degradation of the language. People who don't know the difference between two words use them interchangeably, and eventually everyone starts to accept them as being interchangeable. The nuances and idiosyncrasies of our language are slowly changing or disappearing altogether and it's largely due to ignorance. The past-tense of "dream" used to be "dreamt." Now it's "dreamed," just like every other past-tense in the language ends in "ed." How about "knelt"? Everyone accepts "kneeled" these days without batting an eye. As soon as "feeled" replaces "felt," I'm just going to shoot myself.

And a few of my linguistic pet peeves:

complement vs. compliment: They can both be a verb or a noun, but they NEVER mean the same thing. To complement something (verb) means to complete it or match it somehow, whereas a (full) complement (noun) means a having a complete set of something. Compliment, on the other hand, means to say something nice about someone (verb), or the nice thing you said (noun). They're different, and dumbasses who don't know the difference shouldn't be allowed to use them in writing.

Ensure vs. insure: This is perhaps one of the most egregious examples, wherein they used to be completely separate words, and now they're largely accepted in lieu of each other. Or rather, "insure" can now be used in place of "ensure," but most people don't use "ensure" to mean "insure." To "ensure" something means to make sure of it. To "insure" something means to set aside or establish some sort of compensation in case it breaks or falls through, etc. Every time I see documentation that says "We'd done blah to insure the proper functioning of blah," I want to call up the company and tell them it's NOT working right, and I expect my insurance payment to be mailed promptly.

Affect vs. effect: These are probably the most misused words I know, and yet they're TOTALLY DIFFERENT! For the most part, "effect" is a noun, and "affect" is a verb. "Cause and effect" vs. "You can see how your actions affect others." Effect can be a verb, though, and affect can be a noun, but when effect is a verb, it means to bring something into existence, and when affect is a noun, it refers specifically to an effect having to do with someone's emotions. Here's the usage note from The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language: "Affect and effect have no senses in common. As a verb affect is most commonly used in the sense of “to influence” (how smoking affects health). Effect means “to bring about or execute”: "layoffs designed to effect savings." Thus the sentence "These measures may affect savings" could imply that the measures may reduce savings that have already been realized, whereas "These measures may effect savings" implies that the measures will cause new savings to come about." There, I think that says it.

And what about punctuation? Specifically, apostrophes. I'm not going to bemoan the improper use of "its" and "it's", because most people know when they're using them wrong, and they're just too lazy to care, and I think that's a battle that is already lost. English will always respect the difference between the two (meaning that the ambivalence of the public will never cause the two to become interchangeable in proper usage), but people will always be too lazy to care. I'm fine with that. I'm just upset about people's IGNORANCE of the language causing the language to get dumbed down.

No, I'd rather talk about the use of apostrophes for possessive forms. Get this: even if a word ends in "s", you still put "'s" after it to make it possessive, whether it's a proper noun or not. If you're talking about a ball that belongs to James, you're talking about James's ball, not James' ball. If you're talking about seats on a bus, they're the bus's seats, not the bus' seats. It's not that hard. There are only two times you add just an apostrophe and not an s: Plural nouns (e.g., the cars' engines), and if the singular noun ends in "s" and is followed immediately in the sentence by a word that starts with "s" or "sh" (e.g., the witness' statement, the boss' secretary, or the octopus' suckers). Now, I can forgive misuse of apostrophes under the last rule, because it's obscure and doesn't really add anything to the language, but the rest are EASY TO REMEMBER, and there's really no excuse for making a mistake. If you do, you're either too lazy or too ignorant to know better, and if you're old enough to figure out how to start a blog, you should have already had enough English classes in public schooling to get this right.

Oh, and don't use apostrophes to pluralize nouns. No matter how badly you want to, resist the temptation. If you're talking about several of them, then you're talking about apostrophes, not apostrophe's.

Alright, I think I'm done. I can come up with tons more examples, but I'm satisfied with my rant. It has served the purpose of venting on the subject.

And I'm spent. Toodles.