<rant>

I've come to the conclusion that we are too obsessed with the notion of right and wrong. I don't know if this is a matter that is universal to our entire species, or if it's nationally, culturally, socially, societally, religiously, or economically induced trait, or if it's just peculiar to individuals, but it's true. I heard a long spiel today about why a particular person was going to make a decision, which ended with the statement, "I think I'm completely justified." To which I responded, "It isn't a matter of jusitifcation." I think, whether it be the entire society or just individuals, that we have become incapable in many instances of distinguishing the moral and immoral from the amoral. Sometimes a decision is just a decision, and a choice is just a choice. Barring extreme circumstances (cannibalism, perhaps) or esoteric concerns (e.g., the particular marital indiscretions of the CEO of a fast food chain), the choice of what I want to eat is not a matter of right and wrong; it's just a choice. But when other people get involved, we automatically assume that there's a "right" and a "wrong," even though it may be no different than choosing that next meal, or what TV show you're going to watch. Even in a choice as personal as friendship, there is rarely a "right" or "wrong." It's just a choice, and it's yours to make. Make it. Even though you're just trading off (worrying about implications beforehand, worrying about consequences afterward), at least it adds variety.

</rant>

Now I have a deeper question, a matter of genuine curiosity... Let's say that the inability to distinguish choices with moral implications from regular old choices is an idiosyncrasy peculiar only to certain individuals. What does that say about those individuals? Do they suffer from a guilty consience? Do they have issues with inferiority? Are they paranoid about being wrong? Are they genuinely altruistic people who just want to avoid making choices that might hurt people? Are they perfectionists who must always be right in order to maintain a positive self image? Is it a conscious choice not to distinguish between the two? Do some people honestly believe that every action has deep moral implications? Are they self-important stuffed shirts who simply must believe that all their actions and decisions have to have some sort of cosmic significance? Or are they simply myopic? Or, am I totally wrong, and every choice does, in fact, necessitate the consideration of the concepts of "right" and "wrong," the attribute of being "justified" or "unjustified"? I don't think so, but... Is the negative light with which I've painted these people "right" or "wrong"? Do I care? Does it matter whether or not I care, and if so, is it "right" or "wrong" or somewhere in between?

At least I can answer one question with surety: Am I going to bed now? Yes.

So, no more thesis. Here's my sob story...

My thesis was going to be a masterwork of digital geometry processing. First step was implementing an algorithm designed by Hugues Hoppe and Emil Praun (of Microsoft Research and some university or other, respectively). Then, I was going to extend on the algorithm to add all sorts of cool abilities: automatic subdivision and simplification, error calculation, optimization of geometry image dimensions, the list goes on. I started working on this algorithm back in September. One would have thought that it'd be done long before now. However, I just finished it last week. Hence, no time for my original contribution to the project; ergo, no thesis. I'm going to have to petition for the thesis credits to be changed into special problems credits, and I don't get to graduate with honors.

I'm kinda disappointed, but not for the reasons I expected to be. I'm not disappointed because I won't be graduating with honors. I consciously weighed all the options, and I decided that graduating on time was more important than graduating with honors, so I chose this route. Rather, I'm disappointed because there will never be a little red hard-back book with my name on it in the Ted Estess Library. I was really looking forward to that... But hey, at least I gave it a shot, right? Reach for the stars... Even if you don't ever grasp them, you get a good stretch out of the deal, and maybe a low-hanging apple if you're lucky.

Good luck with finals, everyone.

What is it about small children? And by this, I don't mean those squalling brats that some incompetent parents release on the hapless teachers of the world at around age five. Rather, I mean the little kids, the ones who don't talk while their parents are pushing them around in strollers, but just stare at the world with wide eyes, a serious expression, and a completely open face. They know what you are. If you walk by them, frequently their eyes will follow you, especially if you make eye contact. And they have, bar none, the most exquisite eyes in the world... Untrammeled by the hardships of life, unmarked by the cynicism of love or betrayal or disappointment... They are truly open minded in the purest definition of the word, and it's a joyful experience just to witness it. Maybe it's because I love children, and seeing them reminds me of the good times that I've had with them. Or maybe it's because I'm amused at some level by the juxtaposition of their serious expressions and the relatively simplistic thoughts that I'm sure are going through their brains -- when that expression of concentration is on my face I'm either doing math or I'm constipated. Or maybe it's some inherent urge to protect the frail and innocent. Perhaps it's the feeling -- engendered by that look -- that for that brief instant, you're the only person in the world. Or maybe it's none of those, or all of them. But whatever it is, little kids brighten my day, make the grass greener and the sun warmer. It's a wonderful thing.

"So strange it's gotta be true" is right... Check out this whopper:

"And finally, from the "so bizarre it's gotta be true" department comes this oddball story from the New York Post about Adrien Brody's raucous 31st birthday party Tuesday night in the East Village, which was so noisy an annoyed neighbor threw eggs at the star-studded crowd (presidential niece Lauren Bush was hit with some yolk shrapnel). The really strange part? The paper identifies the egg tosser as none other than former Village People cowboy dude Randy Jones."

How's that for weird?

Okay, that's it! My frisbee career is officially over. I retire with the last place spot firmly in my possession, with an overall record of 3-14 in tournament games. Beat that!

Seriously, though, I'm getting really tired of losing. Frequently, we don't even lose by that much. But I'll be damned if we don't lose the vast majority of the time. Granted, there are people with worse records than ~16%, but I can't think of any offhand. Except maybe the Livingston High School football team. (Cheap shot at the hometown rivals. (c;)

I'm gonna get a job, save up a few hundred dollars, buy an ass-load of discs, and spend my free time during the summer practicing every throw under the sun. That way, when I get back into college (hopefully after just one year of working), I can spend my three remaining years of collegiate eligibility working on more difficult aspects of the game. When it comes down to it, if you can't throw well, that's your responsibility and your fault. If you can't work well with the rest of your team, it's the fault of the team (most likely because you either don't practice enough or have a crappy coach. Or no coach. In my case it's choice A.). I figure if I spend a lot of time working on my throws, I can say that I've taken care of my responsibility, and then at least I'll know that I'll be a contributing member of whatever team I play on. The next one, by the way, will probably be Sam Houston.

Just so you know, we finished 1-4 at the tournament, and basically tied for last place. Actually, we probably forfeited the last game because we only had eight people and we were all ready to be done by the time it rolled arouned. We figured between the risk of injury and the fact that nobody really cared, we'd just call the game. Man, those Texas Lutheran guys were upset about that! They really wanted another crack at us (because they were the team we beat). So, if you don't count the forfeited last game, we got next-to-last. Oh well. Back to the Spring League. Speaking of which, I'm going to go check the status of my team, since I didn't get to play with them today.

Laters!

A friend of mine sent this link to me. Now, I know we give Jason crap about his writing, but I don't think he was ever this bad!

http://douglas.min.net/essay/

I received this from a friend of mine a while back. Supposedly they're the results of the Washington Post's Style Invitational. Essentially you take a word from the dictionary and add, remove, or change one letter, and then provide a new definition for it. Thanks to Amanda for posting her Lexophile list, as it reminded me of these. Enjoy!

Intaxication

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis

Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis

A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido

All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug

Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor

The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus

A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

I was treated to an interesting exchange of words over on Chris K's blog (in the comments section). Now, while I have been accused many times of being a fence-post-sitter and refusing to take sides, this is one particular argument that I feel rather strongly about. However, since other people obviously disagree with me, I've chosen to bring the argument here rather than clutter up Chris's comments section with what may very well become a flamewar.

Now, for a point-by-point rundown of the topic at hand:

(1) Does it make a difference who the opinion comes from?

Yes, yes it does. I'll grant you that an opinion is an opinion is an opinion, and the source doesn't necessarily have any bearing on the value of the opinion itself, but here's the thing: The only way to decide the veracity of an opinion (and hence its value to you) is to sit down and think long and hard on the opinion itself, as well as how it applies to the world, to the subject at hand, and to you as an individual. Even then, you may miss something. Additionally, there are so many opinions being tossed about in the world that you can't do this for all of them. There isn't enough time. To aid the process, then, we tend to use background information to decide quickly is the opinion is worth real analysis. Such bakground information typically includes the person from whence the opinion came. For example, if I have knowledge of your character, your opinion may mean more to me. It may be true that your opinion is insightful and extraordinary, but if you're the sort of person who does things just because it's the "in" thing, or a person who's been shown to have poor character (at least in my opinion), then your opinion is shuffled to the bottom of the stack as far as ones I'd like to take into serious consideration. Now, I consider the courage to stand by your opinion and be held accountable for it a mark of integrity. By not doing so, you have not demonstrated integrity. Hence, the character you've demonstrated is less than admiarable, in my opinion. So, there it goes, right to the bottom of the stack.

(2) It does take courage to have an opinion. Too many people have become numb. They don't want to think - they don't care. I'd rather have a person have an opinion than to have no opinion at all. Complacency sucks.

I think the point has been missed here... My statement was that having an opinion in no way takes courage. I am of the opinion that dorm life ain't what it used to be. I am of the opinion that file-sharing, despite being illegal, isn't necessarily an immoral thing. I'm of the opinion that virtually every person I know, myself especially, still has a bit of growing up to do. However, _having_ those opinions doesn't take courage whatsoever. Expressing them, standing by them, being willing to be stigmatized because you believe in them... That takes courage. And more, it takes integrity.

(3) I believe in standing up for what you believe and yes it takes courage to attach your name to your belief, but it in NO WAY makes the point less valid.

See above for argumentation on this. And to add a bit, I have the following: When dealing with cold, hard facts, points are valid regardless of who makes them. If I make a mathematical discovery and publish it anonymously, my discovery is still valid regardless of the fact that I'm not willing to attach my name to it. When dealing with opinions, however, it's another matter. Opinions have no intrinsic worth or truth. Their worth is calculated on a person-by-person basis. And to me, character, integrity, and courage are traits that make an opinion more worth hearing.



(4) And you are right. Blake's post lacked tact, which is important in conveying ideas (especially if you want people to respect them). I don't see how it took courage.

Blake's post lacked tact, yes. However, I give it more credence than I give anonymous postings, because Blake has, so far, shown himself to have integrity. As for whether or not it took courage, well, maybe not. I suppose it depends upon how you define courage. But he has the integrity to claim his actions and his opinions as his own and to stand by them regardless of what other people think. (And no, I don't think stubbornness is necessarily a mark of good character, but that's not what I mean. I mean that he won't change his opinion based on what's popular, unless what's popular is that way because it's shown to have merit.) And on the other hand, he did everything he accused you of not doing (i.e., talking about someone where they'll actually notice it, and taking credit for his opinion). Blake did nothing wrong except be rude unnecessarily.

(5) As for consequences, isn't that kind of the point of the blog? It's a place to vent. It's a place to share ideas. There are few consequences for having an opinion on here. Tell your opinions to someone's face. That's courage.

Hmm... This amuses me, because until Sunday night, I'd have agreed with this, that most of the time posting to blogs don't really have any consequences. However, on Sunday night I got told to fuck myself by someone I care about, based entirely on a post that I made to my blog. You know what I did? I told her that I was sorry it hurt her feelings, but that what was done was done, and I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. So I'm sorry, but I can't agree with you on this one. There definitely can be consequences.

(6) As for accountibility, that's funny. Especially since one of our most powerful tools and rights is the vote-anonymus free speech. No one has to be accountable for that.

Sorry, but again I have to call bullshit on this one. The problem is that you don't realize that you're accountable. While you may not endure the personal accountability that we associate with openly expressing your opinion, you're still accountable for your vote based upon the actions of your candidate (because really, he's just acting as an extension of you). And yes, I realize that frequently we suffer (or enjoy, depending) the same results regardless of whether or not we vote, but that's still you being held accountable. For what, you ask? Why, for choosing to live in this nation, of course, the wonderful place where I am perfectly free to lambaste you for expressing what I believe to be an opinion demonstrative of poorly-held ideals and poor character.

Really living means being a volcano. You blow up when you have to, and you risk hurting people. The alternative is to be just a dead piece of rock. Steadfast, solid, hurting no-one, and never tasting the briefest bit of life. Be the volcano. Live with others who erupt now and then in violent, fiery explosions, and follow their example. Don't just smolder, for that is stagnation, a living death. Don't deny the flames altogether, for that just builds pressure that will eventually kill you when it erupts. Let go when you need to, and if you hurt someone... Chances are that person has or will hurt you. Apologize, feel remorse, but go on with life. To do otherwise is to deny yourself, and life is too short...

Again, I feel old... I couldn't play frisbee tonight because my legs hurt too much. And I don't really even know why I do it anymore. Half of the points just frustrate me... There's no strategy, there's frequently little skill, and there's a lot of running that I can't do. I have my frisbee class, I have the spring league, both of which involve strategy and skill (at least compared to Thursday nights). I'd be thrilled if we gave up Thursday night frisbee in favor of a smaller core group playing sand volleyball. Waddaya say?

So anyway, here I am, back in my room, really itching to get back to work on my thesis because the program finally seems to work, and because I really want to get it over with. However, I can't work on it because I have a presentation and a six page research paper due tomorrow. I'm not really worried about the presentation at all, because it's going to be fifteen minutes, and all I have to have for the slides is kind of a roadmap so people could understand my arguments without actually listening to me talk, if necessary. No biggy. And a six-page paper really isn't so bad (though he wants it 1.5 spaced instead of double-spaced, which kinda sucks). The part that bothers me is that I have to have at least ten source citations. I hate source citations. One of the things I like most about programming is the fact that we don't have to write research papers. This blows.

On the other hand, I'm really psyched about this weekend. Every year, on the night before Easter, my brother and my mom and I color eggs. It's a really fun event that takes three hours or more, and involves us sitting around dying them and trying out all kinds of interesting stuff to try to get them colored in better ways. And then on Easter morning (or afternoon, if we're feeling particularly lazy) Mom hides the eggs and Dad and Andy and I have an Easter egg hunt. This year it'll probably involve Ryan, too, which is alright, though I'd prefer for it to just be the family like always. Anna could join in without me minding because she's Andy's girlfriend, after all, but otherwise I'd like to keep it just in the family. Oh well. Such is life. I'm gonna skip out of Frisbee practice tomorrow (because if my legs hurt enough to keep me from playing Thursday nights, there's no way I'm going to make myself go through practice) and head home early, laundry in hand. (C;

I'd like to spend as much time with my friends as possible before graduation, so here's my suggestion: Monday night we see a movie, Wednesday we hit Hooters for the $.25 wings, and Thursday we have a really kick-ass game of sand volleyball (if we get there early enough, we can have it at the court behind the Rec, which is in better shape than the dorm courts). Who's with me?

Well, it appears that the error in my code that was dragging my computer to a standstill was solved by the following. This is when I hate being a programmer...

delete[] tbuf;

Imagine trying to find where that line above is missing from over six thousand lines of code... The feeling of futility that just washed over you is pretty much how I feel about my thesis 24/7 these days. But damnit, when I finish it, it'll be cool.

The phrase of the day (<insert idea shamelessly stolen from Jared here>): "Who'd-a thunk?"

I feel like I'm getting old... It's not because I'm going bald. It's not because my dad couldn't grow a beard as full as mine until almost thirty. It's not because at the tender age of 18 I had more chest hair than my dad does at 53. It's not because I can drive, or drink legally, or gamble, or even because my "baby" cousins are in high school. No, I feel old because I ate three brownies last night, and I woke up this morning (after three hours of sleep or so) with some major acid. I mean, come on! After I finished telling Pam last night that I felt lucky because I don't get heartburn, I go ahead and get acid indigestion instead. Granted, I didn't get heartburn (and between you and me, I'd take the indigestion over the heartburn any day. I've had it before, and it's no fun), so what I said was still technically true, but geez... Oh well. Get me my walker and I'll be okay. Just don't be surprised if you see me hobbling along calling the freshmen "whippersnappers."

Okay, here's my rant for the day. Today's pet peeve: friends of mine who complain to me about not liking other friends of mine, or griping about how other people don't like them. I agree, you're supposed to be able to talk to your friends about pretty much any topic. But friends are also supposed to be considerate. Does it not occur to people that you don't appreciate it? I guess not, since I've never said so. That's a big failing of mine, really. I don't mention the fact that I dislike something, until it happens enough that I'm sick and tired of it, and then I blow up without the other person ever realizing it was a problem in the first place.

And since I already gave you today's pet peeve, here's tomorrow's: people who are overdramatic about meaningless crap. Someone says something you already know, as though it's the biggest thing since Britney Spears got married (which is also meaningless crap, in case you didn't realize the connection). No shit. Stop the presses! Alert the media! Get over it, and we'll all be better off.

You know what I need? I need a laptop. If I could just pick up my laptop and go to the library, I'd get so much more work done... Damn, that'd be nice. Instead, I'm stuck in my dorm room working on a computer science project, which traps me in front of the computer, which is connected to any number of terrible distractions that keep me from getting any work done until I'm already too tired to concentrate anyway, at which point I get twice as frustrated by the fact that I can't concentrate as I would have by the process of attacking the problem analytically and systematically while I was still awake. (Witness the power of my extra-long sentences. I'm the man.) With that in mind, I'm going to do my utmost now to try to concentrate regardless of the fact that I'm already tired. I need to get on a regular sleep schedule. Ten hours a night sounds nice, but I'm dying. I can't stay awake, and when I am awake I feel tired. Coffee time!

I don't know whom I've told and whom I haven't, but I've come to a decision regarding my life. As many of you know, I've been stressing out over where I'm going to go after graduation and what I'm going to do. Well, the votes have been tallied, and here it is:

I was offered to apply for a job that pays somewhere around $50K. I'm going to apply, and take the job if I get it. It'll involve being on the road five nights a week, and it's a total burnout job, but I'm ready for that right about now. If after a year I don't like it, then I'll at least have enough money in the bank for a couple more years of school, during which I'll be able to finish my math degree. If I do like it, I'll keep it for as long as it captivates my imagination. And, if I don't get the job in the first place, then sometime during the Fall I'll be getting a full-time job with technology support services at Sam Houston State University, where I'll be finishing my math degree and getting a teaching certificate.

All of this, though, is of course contingent upon finishing that damn thesis. Wish me luck, 'cause that's what I'm doing now. No sleep until I solve at least one of the three problems I've having with the program. Hopefully I'll get to sleep tonight. (c;

"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

And I'll leave you with a favorite I learned from Jared:
I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball.

I don't really have anything to say. But, I like posting here, and I've found that the first step toward making sure you continue to do something is to make it a habit, even when it's not really necessary. Then again, for most people blogging is never really necessary.

<sigh> My thesis work is killing me. The program doesn't run the way it should, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to get it to run the way it should. I'm just totally baffled by the whole thing, and it frustrates me. I'm getting up early in the morning, though, and sitting down and messing with it until I understand the error I'm getting. My hope is that every time I get this error it's being caused by the same thing, and that by understanding it in this particular case I'll be able to deal with it in the general case. Failing that, I really hope Dr. Kakadiaris will be understanding when I wind up having to finish my thesis on a program that doesn't entirely run.

By the way, Christina, it's not my fault that you wasted three hours today. I was only in your room for an hour and a half or so. I take no responsibility for the rest of it. However, since you asked me not to drop by anymore, I'll respect that. I guess I'll get more work done on my thesis this way.

Took the country quiz (thanks Amanda). This is kinda funny. Not completely accurate, but I like the part about the cooking. Anyone around remember my Chernobyl Chili?

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you, you have a long history of rising above adversity.  Recent adversity has led to questions about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage to attract a number of tourists and admirers.  And despite any setbacks, you can really cook a good meal whenever it's called for.  Good enough to make people cry.
Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid